I was always falling into these traps with writing these Dadblog posts, where I'd be exploring negative feelings, basically. But this was all part of what made me who I am today. A cynical bastard. See, people are basically dumb till they're my age, cuz now I'm really smart. Well, not really. But all that exploration of how I feel and seeing how I wrote and then almost arguing with myself, taught me not to do that, to avoid the negative stuff, and just be a person.
I was a young, dumb dad, learning by the seat of my pants, thankfully with good parenting in my past that provided great groundwork. I was putting a lot of negative energy into the world. Now I think maybe I'm paying for that, as life is, in some ways, harder than it's ever been, while I try to be a positive force in the world. I don't wanna put negativity out there anymore. I wanna spread love and enthusiasm. It's tough though, cuz I have a dumb human mind, that does dumb stuff that I still can't figure out. But gosh, do I ever feel more in control than I ever have--WHICH IS NICE.
Nowadays when negative feelings crop up, it's more controllable. Sometimes it's barely containable, but it always fades, when I let it, when I let go. And when I'm on the other side of it, I feel I'm able to look back at myself, and see what I was doing, and figure out where that was coming from, the root of it, and learn a trick or two about not letting it happen again--issue, by issue. New issues are tough to cope with, cuz I haven't learnt how to do it yet. Sometimes an old problem will rear its ugly head again and I have to learn how to deal with annoyance and repetition frustration while trying to be reasonable to people around me.
Lots of times there will be no problem but I make one in my head, stew about it, let it drive me crazy, and then blow up about it.
But hey, look at me doing it again. Describing my faults. I mean this is part of the process of becoming the best man I can be. It takes a lifetime of doing this--of self-criticism and -doubt--to make yourself a whole person. For me, I'm a man. I identify as such. But gender isn't important here. Learning is. It's what makes us complete, whole adults, and it grows out of mistakes, like the lotus blossom, growing in the worst, filthy conditions, and blossoming into a thing of absolute beauty. That's me! haha
SOOOOooooo, looks like about one post per year for me these days huh? There was a long gap in my posting between 2018 - 2022. I am laying here in bed, and thought, this is a good idea for a post, this lifetime of self-criticism making me a man idea. Pulling up the old blog is really fun, it's been a while. Meditative and therapeutic for me to journal like this. Helps me to keep feelin good bro. Dudeman. I can write whatever the dang I want
I mean I have to become very invested in self-improvement--I'm a husband, and a dad. I'm a family man! And that means displaying the best self I can be--leading by example, and not scaring my wife and kids. Or making them lose trust in me. The point is to lift them up--like Swayze did to Baby at the end of Dirty Dancing!
So last March I got fired from the catering company job. It taught me a LOT about running a warehouse, and about catering in general. It was a betrayal that they fired me, but it was one person's decision, and it was made out of emotion--she told me as much. Kind of a weird thing to admit if ya ask me. There was no HR dept to investigate what happened, and I believe I did nothing wrong. But that's neither here nor there. Making money again is the order of the day.
Got some interviews lined up. More warehouse/driver stuff. Got a line on another potentially better-paying job but with less career experience available, serving at a busy restaurant downtown. Got a guy I'm giving guitar lessons to. Got a sweet band called Slothrider and we've got a show a few Fridays from now at Central Saloon, a venue I'm massaging a relationship with. See, it's all about reputation. When I got fired, it threw my reputation somewhat into the toilet. Now it's about doing it all over again, but better, and not repeating what got me in trouble in the first place. They didn't pay me enough anyway, and I was not proactive about asking for raises. Probably wouldn't have gotten them anyway.
Got a sweet wife. We're trying to make a new routine of walking after dinner--here's hoping it sticks! Got a couple of moooody kids, one identifying as male, as Leviathan, and one as a lesbian, as Boris. They chose new names for themselves.
........ fine. It hurts our feelings as parents, but that's not something kids 12 and 14 think about, nor should they. Not time yet. Too soon. Their brains aren't there yet to fully comprehend how they make people around them feel. They're still asleep.
Megan and I are letting them dive in to this new identity stuff, we don't wanna hold them back. It's important for their personality and character development. I'm not about stifling my kids. If it's not hurting anyone, let em do it. Fuck it man. We're all gonna die someday. The bond is still there with me and my kids, and we all love one another. I can guarantee you if I stood in the way of them trying on new identities, it would be worse--for all of us--than letting them go for it full gusto.
All my life I've been observing myself, critically. Trying to shed all the bad parts and become a shining example. It has yet to happen but I'm closer than ever, and I'm gonna keep working at it, cuz I like the results.
stay phresh fuckers, Glenny out, 2023 wtf
