Let me try to effectively map out the physical occurrences, my responding thought patterns, and resulting hypothesis.
It all began with Lucy asking to cuddle on the bed in my room. It's the first time she ever asked to specifically cuddle, and she was speaking so quietly and timidly that I didn't understand at first. She said the word "cuddle" kind of like "cud."
Since I'm not one to refuse my daughter a cuddle, I said yes. It took me a minute or two to turn off the same episode of my tv show I'd tried finishing twice today, and to get the laptop and cords out of BB's arm's reach.
Somewhere in there, Lucy said, "I need a pacifier."
Trying to sound nice, I said, "You don't need a pacifier to cuddle. It's not time to go to sleep."
She reacted negatively, whining and kinda throwing her hands down. I kept cleaning up and then laid down on my bed and invited her up with me. At first she wouldn't get up on the bed, but stood at the side of the bed, whining. She was really pissed about the lack of pacifier, but I wasn't going to go retrieve it for her. It wasn't even out of her reach.
By the way, this is the second time I've not given her her pacifier when laying down, but the first time was for a real nap. We lay in bed together that day, about two or three weeks ago, and she wouldn't even look at me. She had no interest in reading the book she'd picked out, or in squeezing my thumb like she does every time I put her down. Kept her head turned away the whole time. I've never seen her so dismissive of me. Taking away her pacifier makes her crazy.
She didn't fall asleep that day, and I felt so bad that after 15 min or so, I gave in and gave it to her.
Today was pretty much the same thing, but I sort of egged her on to get even angrier, trying to force her to deal with the issue. Let me explain.
So, today, I was laying there, and up she climbed, finally. But she wouldn't come close to me--she kept a good foot between us. I enticed her over by saying that if she came closer to me, she could see the pigeons on the power line outside.
She did, and we laid there together, on our backs, but she would struggle when I tried to hug her. She kept mumble-whisper-whimpering about Pacifier. She didn't want to cuddle without it. Nothing was good without that pacifier.
Seeing that this was total bullshit, that I am better than a pacifier, that she's almost three and should just give it up, that her sister doesn't use one, and that this negative reaction is not healthy, I grabbed her as I said, "Do you love dada, or do you love the pacifier?"
This pissed her off. She started crying, loudly, the kind where you know the kid is trying to get you to stop doing something, rather than being truly sad about something. Like, if she was a grownup and someone was doing that to her, she'd yell, "Fuck you get off me."
She tried her damndest to get up, but I kept her on me, and held her head to my chest. It was starting to seem that this pacifier thing was a catalyst for something bigger.
I held her there on my chest for about 5 long seconds. Then I let her slide off and back onto the bed. She didn't want to get down. I had sort of calmed her down, even though I basically goaded her into getting pissed. With cuddling. That she requested.
She and I lay there together while she calmed down. She did the whole shaky-breathing thing kids do when they're calming down--it kinda sounds like a rapid succession of light hiccoughs. I told her she could get up if she wanted, but she said no. So we lay there longer.
Then I had to get up to tend to BB, who had been crawling around on the floor the whole time.
***
A few minutes later, I asked Lucy if she wanted to go outside, to which she responded, "No."
That's become her automatic reaction to anything mom and dad say to her when she's in a bad mood and doesn't want to hear us, or wants drama. In these cases, I try to ask her what if she wants to do something she likes, to cheer her up. She always says 'no' too quickly, without considering the question and the potential benefits of an affirmative response. It always frustrates her, and she always ends up asking for the same thing I just offered. I say no to these follow-up questions. In doing so, I'm hoping she will learn that answering with 'no' once is all it takes to make something not happen.
After she said 'no' today, though, she said, "We can stay inside." I said 'ok.' It seemed she really didn't want to go outside. But a few minutes later, like clockwork, she said, "Go outside?"
At that point I was getting irritated with her, and shutting down, so I just sat back down on the couch and finally finished my tv show.
Meanwhile, BB was contentedly crawling around, discovering the house. While I was watching tv, my feet on the automan, her head slowly creeps up from the other side. As she stands, I see she's holding the pants she just had on. The whole time, she's flashing me this huge, two-bottom-teeth smile. I was probably making a silly face too. I always do that.
Keeping that smile, she puts a part of her pants in her mouth, bites it, and rips it (not literally) out from between her two teeth and top gums. It must have felt good on that teething mouth!
At this point, I'm watching tv, BB's just being cute, and Lucy's in my room, audibly whining and complaining. She runs up to the couch at one point, with, "Dadaaaa! Help meee!" in her trademark whisper-yell. At least she's not literally yelling at me. One thing Lucy truly hates is loud noises. But she was complaining hard, still in a bad mood about the pacifier issue.
Perhaps wanting to pick a fight with me cause she thought I deserved it. Perhaps I still do.
But then it dawned on me--she's not truly upset about anything. How could she still be mad about that pacifier thing? We had totally moved on, but there wasn't enough of an environment change to bring her out of that mood. Nothing had truly changed, and, if she's anything like me, and her mother, she was holding a grudge like a champ. And until something snapped her out of it, she had blinders on.
In addition, everyone loves drama, right? Kids sort of have to experiment with dramatizing everything when they're that age--that's how they learn how to avoid it in the future, right? Or to at least understand where it comes from? I remember my dramatic times. My brother had them too when we were kids. And there my daughter was, running with this new, exciting, yet negative feeling. History repeats itself.
I came to the conclusion, whether it was right or not, that the worst thing I could have done in that situation was to let her get under my skin--to allow that negativity to transfer to me. That would have been playing right into her trap.
When I did this long-term mild-tantrum stuff as a kid, I totally loved it when my parents would get pissed. It meant I had power to get through to them, to begin to leave kid-dom, to have my own adult (-like) experiences.
Based on Lucy's angry reaction to being denied the pacifier, I think I need to take it away from her. Just erase all pacifiers from the house. Lucy will be pissed at first, but she'll get over it.
What do you think? Should I cut her off cold-turkey, or gradually? I don't see a point to doing it gradually, but I don't know everything. Enlighten me if you do.
After that--getting her to poo in the toilet... oh lord, only in my wildest dreams (or whenever I stop being lazy and make her sit on the thing every day until she does.)
How did YOU potty-train your 3-year-old?
