I already hate what I've written. It seems like it comes from someone with real anger issues, about to burst at the seams, and trying to rationalize bad behavior. It seems like I'm writing about a specific person. Really, I was trying to generalize! In my mind, I was an advice columnist, helping people.
And I think it's cool to write stuff down and then look at it with a critical eye, as if it was written by someone else, because that's how cool and comfortable with myself I am: I can switch personalities at the push of a button, and I can write something down which came from my brain, but then, unlike a typewriter writer tearing out the page, crumpling and tossing it trashward, I can take a picture of it, and look at it. Pure, unedited me. But then, it's out on paper, and it's not me! I'm me, I'm right here. That thing, that's there, and that's all it is, it's a thing, it's not me. I made it, but it's not me, it's outside of me now, but it's a reflection of what's inside of me, and now I can look at it, and scan it, and be like, that sucks, mmm, that sucks, that's good, and boy, am I glad no one else is going to be able to read this, but then I take pictures of it and post it anyway, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW COOL I AM!
I would change the "anything" in the first sentence to "something," because what if you're both, like in the kitchen together, cooking and drinking and listening to music? Life is good!
You shouldn't be afraid to ask your partner anything at any time!
Well, that's not true, either. One must judge the target of one's question's mood before asking. It's a way to sort of sail smoothly through life, but it's hard to get right. And that's why I ended with the balance concept.
Sometimes though, I have to admit, I'm playing a video game, and Megan comes in, perfectly expecting to ask me something, because fuck video games, she's a person with flesh, blood and a brain and I love her, but I'm also frustrated at the game, and I don't respond like an adult, and that's a generous appraisal of my reactions sometimes. But men yell and scream. It's what we do. We're supposed to be macho and make loud noises to scare away other predators from our flock/herd/murder/pride/gaggle.
So I need work, I always need work, and I always want to recognize that in myself, because I never want to stop improving (and the more I work with 20-year-olds, the more I realize how much I have improved myself already). But also, relationships are work. You know how I know? Because the importance given to doing some kind of work every day around the house has risen exponentially since I had kids. I'm the stay-at-home dad, ya know? I'm the one who's at home more, so it stands to reason that I should not only share the workload, but do more chores than Megan. Because kids add a little bit to the overall everything—dishloads, laundry loads, messes on the floor and the furniture, the overall noise level, and that kind of covers the basis. Smells, as well. Germs. Illnesses. It all rises a little bit, and it adds up at the end of the day. For example, right now I have one pair of clean comfortable socks in my drawer, and I haven't done laundry yet today, because I had to wash myself, feed my children, sweep our floors, and look the other way from the disgusting interior of our microwave just be be able to do all that. Soon, microwave, you will be clean, bastard!
I was thinking to myself, as I was trying to think of a list of things to do today, as I was feeling good about my positive, forward thinking at my decision to make a list, as I was getting out of the shower and feeling clean, that when Beatrix is in school in less than two years, I'll be more free. Right now, I feel like I'm on the tail end of a very definitive phase of parenthood—that of pre-kindergarten-kid-care. When that day comes, I'll have more time to do things during the day.
Today, what I must do is put some of the recordings Andrew and I worked on for Freeze up on our Bandcamp page, and update the thing. Next, do some calendar outreach for Startup Weekend Bothell. But before that, publish my interview with a WBBA dude. That was fun. Then practice guitar because it's been a few days.
Hey, did you guys know that Megan and I have been working hard on a cheesy pop cover?