False Attacker

Holy fuck I just had the craaaaziest experience not more than 15 minutes ago.

I was brushing Lucy's teeth when I hear what sounds like high-pitched voices of children outside. Lucy wanted to see what was going on, so we open the door.

They're getting closer, and I realize they're older. My age.

The voice I thought was a little girl turns out to be a panicking woman. I mean, she's yelling, "Get off me! Please don't touch me! I just don't want to get hurt!"

I put on my shoes, grab my keys, shut the door behind me, and run down the stairs. There's a crowd of people, mostly dressed in black coats and black jeans, like most Seattlites my age. I thought they were all teenagers at first.

Megan was among the crowd! Suddenly I'm very invested in this commotion that's going on.

This dude, black, in a sideways-angled black ball cap, black jacket, jeans and shoes, was trying to restrain this young woman. She, white and pale, had short black hair, a black jacket and jeans. Both around my age--30s.

I thought he was attacking her. He certainly didn't look professional in any way. Rage filled me; adrenaline and a survival instinct kicked in.

I walk up to the dude and grab his wrists, tightly, and very forcefully and loudly say, "Fuck off."

It was then I noticed the dude was holding a pair of handcuffs! Metal and shiny. Real. This guy wasn't fucking around. He was trying to tell me something, but I didn't hear him, even though he was right in front of my face.

All the while, Megan is yelling, "Glenn! No! He works with Loss Prevention! Honey! Glenn! It's okay!" I can see fear in her eyes and hear it in her voice.

I didn't understand, but I let the guy go. The woman had already run off, and he went after her. Then that I noticed the crowd was comprised of mostly Whole Foods employees, including a couple I knew. It dawned on me--Loss Prevention--theft policers. Whole Foods hires these private contractors to catch people who steal from the store.

I was simultaneously relieved he wasn't attacking her, and embarrassed for butting in where I wasn't needed.

After a second or two of talking to Megan and listening to the crowd, I go back inside to take care of Lucy. I was just about to put her down for a nap before I went outside. Coming in, I was all shaky and still full of adrenaline. To my relief, she was absolutely fine. She had no idea what was happening right in front of our house.

For the first time in a long time, I put Lucy to bed without reading her a story or laying with her. I wasn't in the right headspace.

I then went back outside to see what had transpired. I wanted to apologize to the LP dude.

The crowd wasn't there anymore. I heard voices coming from down the street and a little around the block.

Walking over there, I see the crowd, the man, and the woman. He's on his knees, restraining her, her back to him. She's totally manic and wailing shit like, "I just don't want to be touched! Please stop touching me! I've been raped before by men like you!"

She was going for the rape-victim-sympathy angle, a dangerous one to play, one that takes all womankind down a notch. Even though it may be true that she is a rape survivor, in this situation it was not what she was afraid of.

And he's going, "Dude, I'm married! I'm not gonna rape you! Jesus, calm down, dude!"

And Megan's saying, "Well, the police are coming." I think she was trying to calm the woman down. She was absolutely not calming down. She knew she was fucked, too.

Then, "The police are here."

A police car drives up from around the block. Now that I think about it, he was driving the wrong way down 12th Ave NE.

At this point, Megan and I begin to leave the scene. I look back at the couple and say, "Dude, I'm sorry about before," but they didn't pay any attention to me. He was still too busy restraining her. Megan tells me we should just walk away, so I don't finish my sentence.

We're tightly holding cold, sweaty hands. We cross 12th to our house's side of the street. A woman is standing there with a metal clipboard, and says to us, "A little too much meth with her Wheaties this morning?"

It hit me. Duh. Of course she's high as shit and stealing. She was trying to say anything she could to get away with it. Of course, I can't be sure. I really know nothing of what transpired, except for the small part I played a role in.

Megan says to me, "I am so proud of you for doing what you did back there, because that's exactly what you should have done."

This surprises and comforts me. "You really looked like you were going to punch that guy!" she said with a laugh.

The woman with a clipboard says that Megan should stay on the scene to answer any of the police officer's questions.

"Well, this is gonna be a great lunch break," she says. We kiss and I go back inside and now here I am typing.

I need to decompress.

One last thought--I feel strong.