Yesterday, driving with Justin, I found myself saying, "Sometimes it can feel like entrapment." I was referring, of course, to childcare.
We had been talking about how a mutual friend is going thru some hard times with his family, the details of which he has not let us in on. Speculating, we thought it was probably easy for him, a stressed, stay-at-home and graduate psychology student dad, to feel trapped by his family. Like he can't get out.
Oftentimes I find myself thinking, "If I could only just get rid of this burden of family. Then I could do all the other stuff I want to do." But if I didn't have kids now, I'd totally be high and on the couch playing video games, putting off my personal projects. It's the journey of raising the kids, the brutality of it all and the strengthening and hardening of my psyche, that's giving me this drive to fulfill my more personal desires.
Namely, I'd continue on my recording projects, my own and Born Without Blood's. I might make some bookshelves. I wouldn't be changing shitty diapers and listening to a baby cry in her crib cause she doesn't want to fall asleep at naptime and she's teething. I wouldn't be stuck here at home, allowing my kids to live vicariously through me.
It's not an easy thing to admit, and other people don't like to hear it, but raising kids can indeed feel like entrapment. One crack in the fragile shell you're holding together, be it in the form of a kid being a bastard, disagreements with your partner, troubles at work, problems at school, or a stupid song stuck in your head like some overplayed Led Zeppelin, and it's easy to become enraged.
Today, however, for some reason, I'm feeling good and centered, and am able to think pretty clearly about this. My kids are being good and precious.
Usually, it pisses me off to no end to hear parents with kids older than mine say, "Don't blink." That seems to be the go-to catchphrase for them. Fucking Baby Boomers, they're all the same. (wink wink, nudge nudge)
But then I started thinking--one day my Lucy won't be so cute and little anymore. One day she'll be less inclined to have me around her at all times, having fun with her. Right now, she's pure, and her purity spreads throughout the my home and into me.
She loves to have fun, with a desire pure and unadulterated. She hasn't become jaded yet with the bullshit of adult life. Hell, she hasn't even become jaded with elementary school yet. Her life is vast and expansive ahead of her. The roads she will travel are long. She hasn't built up defenses against common aggressions pitted against her by any of the world's many assholes.
Fuck, I CANNOT LET HER BECOME SOILED BY THE WORLD'S BULLSHIT!
What am I, some woman? I'm a dad. A man. A guy. Male. Tough and sinewy. Devoid of empathic moisture. Dry, yet humorous. Only when there's no work to doo doo I bog myself down in emotions. The rest of the time I push them aside (though, sometimes, late at night, they bang at the door really fucking loud).
When I begin thinking of all the hurdles to overcome when raising kids, hurdles comprised of the stupidest little bullshit problems I can't begin to tell you, I tend to feel like I'm trapped in a job I can't quit--can't get out of.
Yes, I could be a shithead dad and walk out on my family. Yeah, I could do that. And make my family, friends, and myself hate me. Not an option.
When I begin thinking of how sweet and innocent Lucy is, and how much evil there is in the world to shield her from, I get all protective and the passing time doesn't seem so lengthy.
It's all just a matter of perspective; how you shape the world from the lens of your mind. In the end, we all die. Our bodies decompose and feed the earth to make way for new life. The choices of anyone on the earth become inconsequential. Time will pass. The earth will one day wither away after our sun explodes.
A new outlook may be gained from this perspective, one of totality, and ultimateness. An emotionless center. In this way, I rise above my human weaknesses. I'm like our protagonist in The Fountain, rising up cross-legged in his bubble of enlightenment.
Clashing perspectives are apparently a normal part of my life. How about for you? Why don't you make a Facebook update about it and pretend it matters. Pretend someone groks you. Then you'll both die.
1. Black and death metal forever. Life is brutality.
2. My love for my little daughters is unending.
Conflicting perspectives, right there. My mind is a jumbles mess of thoughts that bounce off one another and don't make sense when arranged in a logical order. Somehow this makes me very happy and gives me the sense that I have a lot to work towards, that life will never be boring, and that I'm just happy to be here.
We had been talking about how a mutual friend is going thru some hard times with his family, the details of which he has not let us in on. Speculating, we thought it was probably easy for him, a stressed, stay-at-home and graduate psychology student dad, to feel trapped by his family. Like he can't get out.
Oftentimes I find myself thinking, "If I could only just get rid of this burden of family. Then I could do all the other stuff I want to do." But if I didn't have kids now, I'd totally be high and on the couch playing video games, putting off my personal projects. It's the journey of raising the kids, the brutality of it all and the strengthening and hardening of my psyche, that's giving me this drive to fulfill my more personal desires.
Namely, I'd continue on my recording projects, my own and Born Without Blood's. I might make some bookshelves. I wouldn't be changing shitty diapers and listening to a baby cry in her crib cause she doesn't want to fall asleep at naptime and she's teething. I wouldn't be stuck here at home, allowing my kids to live vicariously through me.
It's not an easy thing to admit, and other people don't like to hear it, but raising kids can indeed feel like entrapment. One crack in the fragile shell you're holding together, be it in the form of a kid being a bastard, disagreements with your partner, troubles at work, problems at school, or a stupid song stuck in your head like some overplayed Led Zeppelin, and it's easy to become enraged.
Today, however, for some reason, I'm feeling good and centered, and am able to think pretty clearly about this. My kids are being good and precious.
Usually, it pisses me off to no end to hear parents with kids older than mine say, "Don't blink." That seems to be the go-to catchphrase for them. Fucking Baby Boomers, they're all the same. (wink wink, nudge nudge)
But then I started thinking--one day my Lucy won't be so cute and little anymore. One day she'll be less inclined to have me around her at all times, having fun with her. Right now, she's pure, and her purity spreads throughout the my home and into me.
She loves to have fun, with a desire pure and unadulterated. She hasn't become jaded yet with the bullshit of adult life. Hell, she hasn't even become jaded with elementary school yet. Her life is vast and expansive ahead of her. The roads she will travel are long. She hasn't built up defenses against common aggressions pitted against her by any of the world's many assholes.
Fuck, I CANNOT LET HER BECOME SOILED BY THE WORLD'S BULLSHIT!
***
When I begin thinking of all the hurdles to overcome when raising kids, hurdles comprised of the stupidest little bullshit problems I can't begin to tell you, I tend to feel like I'm trapped in a job I can't quit--can't get out of.
Yes, I could be a shithead dad and walk out on my family. Yeah, I could do that. And make my family, friends, and myself hate me. Not an option.
When I begin thinking of how sweet and innocent Lucy is, and how much evil there is in the world to shield her from, I get all protective and the passing time doesn't seem so lengthy.
It's all just a matter of perspective; how you shape the world from the lens of your mind. In the end, we all die. Our bodies decompose and feed the earth to make way for new life. The choices of anyone on the earth become inconsequential. Time will pass. The earth will one day wither away after our sun explodes.
A new outlook may be gained from this perspective, one of totality, and ultimateness. An emotionless center. In this way, I rise above my human weaknesses. I'm like our protagonist in The Fountain, rising up cross-legged in his bubble of enlightenment.
Clashing perspectives are apparently a normal part of my life. How about for you? Why don't you make a Facebook update about it and pretend it matters. Pretend someone groks you. Then you'll both die.
1. Black and death metal forever. Life is brutality.
2. My love for my little daughters is unending.
Conflicting perspectives, right there. My mind is a jumbles mess of thoughts that bounce off one another and don't make sense when arranged in a logical order. Somehow this makes me very happy and gives me the sense that I have a lot to work towards, that life will never be boring, and that I'm just happy to be here.
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